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WASHINGTON (CAP) – President Obama has announced his support of the Pentagon's latest plan to provide a missile defense system for the United States, even though it does not include lasers, invisible jets, or invisible jets with lasers.
The Strategic Dome Initiative offers $1 billion in funding to erect a translucent, impenetrable dome over the continental United States that would not only deflect missiles launched from anywhere in the world, but also meteors falling from the sky and other as yet unidentified apocalyptic events.
"I prefer to think of it as more of a, uhh, force field than a dome," Obama told reporters. "Think Star Wars, not New Orleans Saints."
He demonstrated by tossing a dart at an upside-down glass salad bowl and shushing everyone to listen to the resulting plink as the dart bounced off the glass.
"That's the sound of American lives being saved," he added.
Obama pointed out that not only will SDI provide a defense system unparalleled in American history, but also a multitude of jobs to design, create and maintain what's being dubbed Operation Freedome.
"Let's just say the window washers union had better start posting help wanted ads now," he noted.
Critics are calling the plan's feasibility into question – most notably the fact that the dome won't cover either Alaska or Hawaii, instead using the two outlier states as an "early warning system" so the Pentagon knows when to activate the Freedome over the mainland.
"Come on, let's be serious: a dome that reaches all the way out to Hawaii would have to be ginormous," said Defense Secretary Leon Panetta. "There's no way we could build something that big.
"Besides, Alaska has that really odd shape that just doesn't lend itself to good orbicular qualities," Panetta added.
Panetta acknowledged that future defense plans could include mini domes for Hawaii and Alaska, "assuming they don't get blown out of the water before we can get them built."
The White House has commissioned a number of environmental impact studies and has promised to publicize all the favorable ones before construction gets underway later this year.