EU to print a trillion Euros for everyone except you

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The European Union has confirmed that it will print over a trillion Euros over the next two years and you won’t see a penny of it.

The process, called ‘quantitative easing’, will buy Eurozone bonds back from the open market, and you don’t own any of those, do you?

“This is what is known as ‘helicopter money’, as that’s the sort of thing people usually spend it on”, said a spokesman for the European Central Bank.

“And that’s hardly going to be you, is it?”

“We considered calling it yacht money or Ferrari money instead, but helicopters are way cooler because owning a helicopter is a guaranteed knicker-dropper.”

“Not that you’d know.”

The process, which will involve the European Central bank creating 60 billion Euros a month and handing it out to pretty much anyone who asks, except you, and is expected to last for at least 18 months – possibly longer.

The share price of champagne producers and sports car manufacturers rose sharply on the news.

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