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Hello Philip,
My husband is denying me something very important. We got married seven years ago and have three children.
My man has been a drunkard since we got married, but he made sure that he fulfilled his conjugal obligations in the bedroom. Now I think things are getting out of hand. The alcohol is getting the best of him, and work demands are chasing after whatever is left of him.
If he is not working overtime, he is doing his part time job, or drinking with his friends. I mean, he just doesn’t have time for me or the children. He doesn’t come home until after 11 at night — every day — dead drunk. He then staggers to bed and, within seconds, is snoring the night away.
I have tried to talk to him when he is sober, but all what I get are promises of change. My man is now denying me what is rightfully mine. We get intimate only once a month, and I feel depressed because I am tired of this.
I don’t suspect him of sleeping with other women because, as far as I know, he respects his friends and the bottle more than his family, and he claims to love me very much.
I am now constantly thinking of getting the passion that my husband is denying me from other men, especially my ex-boyfriend who, I know, would happily welcome back me if I made the slightest move. However, I don’t want to go this way and abuse myself and my marriage. I still love my husband. What do I do?
Depressed.
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Hi Depressed,
Let me start by encouraging you to keep your focus. Your man can change from the unfortunate state of being a drunkard to a responsible lover and care giver. Don’t abandon him because you are the only hope he has in real life.
This may be the most difficult time for you, but at least the man can come home to a wife. Your decisions could either kill him or offer him a lifeline of a hopeful future.
I do not find it strange that, on one hand, he tells you he loves you very much while, on the other, he comes home late and drunk. I believe it is time you found and spoke a language that will appeal to him. He is a man in need of help. You may not see it now but, from my counselling experience, I have seen many like your husband turn the corner to better lives courtesy of their wives.
Although important and an essential part of marriage, sex is not the only thing that makes or drives the union. Two of my clients (let’s call them Mary and John) came to that realisation after Mary was paralysed from the waist down. They were forced by circumstances to learn hard lessons.
However, many of us will learn this lesson differently. It may happen as a result of a period of illness, pregnancy, or absence, which makes your sexual goals unattainable. As a result, self-control is a discipline we need to embrace if we are to be trustworthy and faithful to our spouses.
Your man needs support and affirmation — two things that will help him move towards change. Keep praying for change and re-introduce the things you both did in the good ol’ days when things were steamy between the two of you.
Hard as this may be, avoid being critical every time he comes home late and smelling like a brewery. If you think he has become an alcohol addict, look for a way to get him into counselling. If you cannot convince him on your own, involve a mutual friend he respects.
For heaven’s sake, dear, do not fall into the trap of having sex with your ex. You will live to regret it. Marriage, as I have said, is not only about sex, and you need to practise self-control as you relate with the other man.
Looking for satisfaction outside marriage will always be attractive, there is no denying that, but the pain it will cause, the emotional scars, the regrets, will remain with you for a lifetime. Suppose it were you who were under some difficulty that made it hard to be intimate? Don’t you think you would have expected him to be patient with you?
Discuss these issues with your man. Tell him what you feel. Seek counsel. Do what you have to do to get your man where you want him, but don’t seek comfort outside the marital bed. Trust me, it’s not worth it.
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