Following the conclusion of his murder trial, George Zimmerman was offered asylum by the South American countries of Venezuela, Nicaragua and Bolivia. The nations have each declared that Zimmerman can take immediate residency in their lands without any fear of reprisal.
“Mr. Zimmerman is welcome in our country,” said Nicaraguan Secretary of International Law Manuel Rosario. “We would like the international community to see that Nicaragua is a major player in the world’s asylum seeker scene. You don’t have to go all the way to Russia to have protection. We also have much nicer weather and your dollar will go much further.”
The Bolivian government was first to offer Zimmerman asylum, sending a diplomatic envoy to Florida before he was even charged. “There are many reasons we seek to shelter those who want asylum,” said Bolivian Vice President Álvaro García Linera. “But in this case, the overwhelming reason is a shortage of well-suited mall cops in our country. We thought that if we brought Mr. Zimmerman to Bolivia, the quasi-security elite of the world would quickly follow, and we would have the safest food courts in the continent.”
Russian President Vladimir Putin, who is considering granting asylum status to American leaker Edward Snowden, has warned the South American countries to be careful what they wish for. “Keeping an American in asylum status isn’t easy,” explained Putin. “I don’t think anyone realizes how much the average American needs to eat in a day. We’re gonna go broke trying to make sure this guy gets enough junk food to make it through a day without collapsing. And the Zimmerman character, he looks like he might be even tubbier.”
“Mr. Zimmerman, on our soil you can breathe free,” said Venezuelan State Department official Carlos Alvarez. “You can rest assured that, even though you have been declared not guilty, you can live a life in Venezuela free from the worst of all persecutions: being pestered by cable news talk show hosts.”