Under the watchful eye of former Marks & Spencer boss, Sir Stuart Rose, the National Health Service is to offer a range of â€˜everyday food productsâ€™ and â€˜must-have kitchen ingredientsâ€™ salvaged from clinical waste bins. Health executives have promised quality â€˜used syringesâ€™, â€˜swabsâ€™ and â€˜severed limbsâ€™, all at great value prices.
Sir Stuartâ€™s review into how to improve management will include a downscaling of front-line nurses and an emphasis on employing some â€˜cracking pastry chefsâ€™. Whether shopping for special occasions or for every day eating all the food will be â€˜sourced locallyâ€™ and â€˜technicallyâ€™ free-range. There will follow an extensive marketing campaign with the strapline â€˜Human tissue, now at prices youâ€™ll loveâ€™.
A spokesman for the Secretary of Health said: â€˜While 14 hospital trusts have already been placed in special measures, Britain has some of the tastiest patients in Europe â€“ we need to capitalize on this. We plan to launch an ad campaign, with a series of high definition images of post-operative scars; covered in thick, creamy custard. The television adverts will have a sultry voice-over, accompanied by the mouth watering sight of a routine appendectomy.â€™
Hospitals will now offer customers more â€˜food choiceâ€™, while ensuring that â€˜patient partsâ€™ are not squandered. As people are wheeled into theatre in gowns â€˜to die forâ€™ they will be packaged and labelled with the Simply NHS brand, just on the â€˜off chanceâ€™ that the operation â€˜doesnâ€™t go wellâ€™. As M&S are known for the â€˜innovation and newnessâ€™ of their product, Simply NHS will be able to provide â€˜clean cutsâ€™ of all the â€˜fresh meatâ€™ you can eat; with â€˜kosher, halal and child-size portionsâ€™ as options.