Washington DC — America will have to spend an extra week in 2013, thanks to the latest congressional mishap. It seems that the House and Senate failed to reset what is known as “the date ceiling” before leaving on holiday recess, an oversight that will bring time to a standstill in the United States.
House Speaker John Boehner (R – Ohio) immediately blamed Pres. Obama for the snafu. “They force-feed us Obama Care, and suddenly both chambers of Congress have Alzheimer’s and forget to advance the country into the new year. Has anyone seen my porridge?”
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D – Nevada) disagreed, and pointed at finger at Tea Party Republicans. “All that tea has turned them into caffeine addicts. They never sleep, so no wonder they can’t keep track of time.”
Fortunately, the U.S. Constitution has provisions that are automatically imposed when the date ceiling is reached. The official timekeeper for the New York Knicks takes control of the calendar and activates a temporary mini-month called Novemblur.
“Novemblur is only seven days long and is designed to be forgettable,” official timekeeper Lloyd Blanche explains. “Seven days is plenty of time for Congress to do its duty and advance us into 2014.”
Trouble is, Congress can’t seem to agree on anything anymore and the resulting deadlock, according to Blanche, could “cause time to go cuckoo.”
Sen. Ted Cruz (R — Texas) accused his colleagues of overreacting. “I like the idea of stopping time," he said. “Maybe we can even go back in time, before Obama Care and Roe v. Wade. I know I’m going to use the extra time for reading. I read an entire book of the Bible every day.”
“Time is money,” countered the outgoing Chairman of the Fed, Benjamin Bernanke. “So when time stops, the buck stops, and people start doing Harry Truman jokes. I can’t afford to waste time like that. I only need two more punches on my Quantitative Easing card to get a free trip to Vegas.”
Sen. John McCain (R — Arizona) blamed “dissident elements in the Middle East” for hijacking 2014. “It's time we settled this once and for all. You can’t let them walk away with a perfectly good year. What’ll they take next? A decade? A century?
“Imagine the wife asking: ‘Honey, do you remember where we put the next century?’ You’ve got to have an answer for that, or else you'll find yourself in Vietnam, playing dominoes. It’s a shame people still don’t understand why went to war in Vietnam. They can't seem to grasp Eisenhower’s domino theory. Well thanks to what we did there, Vietnam now has some of the best domino players in the world.”
Meanwhile, the Library of Congress has printed a calendar page for Novemblur to help keep the nation up to date. It features “ Legislative Lovelies,” a photo spread of lawmakers modeling the latest lingerie. “It costs five dollars,” said assistant librarian Victor Trance. “But it’s worth it to see Charlie Wrangle in a garter belt.”