With the Presidential elections on the Horizon, many Nigerians have been clamoring for a Presidential Debate where the candidates of all the contesting parties would come to the fore to reveal their agenda for Nigeria. However, many see it as merely the best platform for the 2 front runners, President Goodluck Jonathan and General Muhammadu Buhari of the APC to lock horns on an intellectual level.
In preparation for this eventuality, sources in Aso Rock revealed that The President and his Aides have been having clandestine meetings to fine-tune him in readiness for the debate.
FNN today received a mail from an anonymous source containing an audio clip of the most recent Debate Practice session, which we have carefully and painstakingly typed out, word for word, innuendo for innuendo, for your viewing.
GEJ: *taps microphone hung on his shoulder* Reno, is this thing working?
RENO: Yes Mr. President Sir, we can hear you loud and clear
GEJ: Good. Ehen Reuben, remember what I said. No unnecessarily difficult question please. It’s just debate, not WAEC Further Maths
ABATI: Yes Mr. President.
RENO: And we begin….
ABATI: Presidential Debate Simulation Take 1. Reno, you can start now.
RENO OMOKRI: Good Morning Mr. President and welcome to this Presidential Debate
GEJ: Good Morning Reno how is family?
RENO: *whispers* Sir, you’re supposed to call me Mr. Moderator. This is a simulation.
GEJ: Oh, I’m so sorry. Good Morning Mr. Moderator.
RENO OMOKRI: So Mr. President, Our 1st Question to you is this; how many credits did you get in your WASC?
GEJ: Ah. That’s an easy one; I got 3 Distinctions and 6 Credits from 7 subjects.
RENO: Wonderful. My next que…..
ABATI: Wait a minute, Mr President. 3 Distinctions and 6 Credits adds up to 9 Subjects, not 7.
GEJ: Eh? Oh……….uhm……..hmm………that’s correct. Might need to set up a committee to look into that……
RENO: Reuben please, we do not have time for Arithmetic. Next Question Mr. President; What do you have to say about Asari Dokubo’s recent rants in the media about breaking up Nigeria if you lose the election?
GEJ: Yes. You see, I have said this before. Just like Boko Haram, Asari is also our brother. You cannot send SSS to go and arrest your brother. Unless of course your brother is in the opposition party and is trying to make you lose election. This is not what Asari is doing. Boko Haram have been making video talking rubbish, have you seen me order a drone strike at Sambisa? It’s not like we don’t have drones. Have you heard of the Made In Nigeria AMEBO III drone? But he is our brother. We cannot just kill our brother. Same applies to Asari, he is our brother. I’ll have to call him on the phone and tell him to shut up some times *brings out phone and starts dialing*
ABATI: Not now Sir, Not Now. After the debate.
GEJ: Ehn? Okay then. Next Question Reno……I mean……….Mr. Moderator
RENO: Speaking about Boko Haram Sir, what are your plans to defeat them if elected for 4 more years? Nigerians have been wondering if your inability to end the menace in your current tenure is enough reason to vote in Gen. Buhari of the APC to see if he has a better plan of action, especially based on his Military background.
GEJ: This Boko Haram issue is not Child’s play as we all know. We also know America keeps doing us bad belle. Sell Arms to us, they say No. Okay send Marines to train our boys, they say no. Honestly I am tired. Chad and Niger aren’t helping matters either. Maybe every now and then Cameroon helps out but we are more or less in this on our own. I don’t think that will change if Buhari becomes President. Why would anyone refuse to help me but willingly want to help Buhari? Come on. I’m Younger, Friendlier, speak better English, Passed more subjects in WAEC, Have more swag, do more exercise…………..I mean, have you people not seen the video of me online doing exercise? Come on….
RENO: But General Buhari has a beautiful wife and a beautiful daughter…
GEJ: Reno leave that thing. Is it by beauty? Was JFK’s wife not a beauty queen that year? Did it stop Assassins from putting a bullet in his head? No it didn’t! Was Maryam Abacha not the most beautiful light skin ever in Aso Rock? Did it stop her husband from eating Indian Apple? See, beauty is nothing here. Faka is my sweetheart, she has the curves a man wants, she is my spec. As for my daughter, did you not see her wedding pictures? She may not be a beauty queen but we will still share Gold IPhone on her wedding.
ABATI: Wow……..Mr President you really know about history. We must add this to our campaign posters
GEJ: Yes Reuben, you do that.
RENO: Sir………..about the Youth on Twitter trying to get you re-elected….
GEJ: But Reno what kind of questions did you even bring here?
GEJ: My friend don’t sir me. You think this is the kind of questions they will ask that day? Do you even know who they hired to set the debate questions? AMANPOUR! And that wicked panel on Channel that were asking about the website of the NSCDC. You think these are the kain queshions they will ask that day? You disappoint me Reno. Get back to your tweets
ABATI: Very sorry see. I’ll personally see to it that the questions are revised
GEJ: Good. Has anyone seen Doyin of late? That fat man has been dodging my calls. I know he’s the one starting these stupid twitter hashtags. What is #GEJMyVal for God sake? When I said find a response to Febuhari I meant merge my own name with a month too! Like JonaMarch or Juneluck…….not that nonsense…..