Light skinned man changes complexion after drinking Guinness #MadeOfBlack

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Chaos ensued in a popular bar along Obalande area of Lagos yesterday, after a young man drank his 3rd bottle of Guinness aka Small stout and was immediately transformed.

According to eye witnesses, the middle aged light skinned man was drinking his bottles of Guinness quietly, while taking his third bottle of the small stout, the Guinness “Made of black” advert aired on a nearby Television, so the unsuspecting customer watched and sipped his Guinness in smiles. To the surprise of everyone present, the light skinned man immediately transformed into a very dark “black man”

Some of the other customers returned the bottles of Guinness they’ve bought, while some encouraged the now crying black man to be happy because he will sue the leading beer company in Africa.

The Management of Guinness Nigeria has immediately disassociated the company from such weird occurrence, stating that the #MadeOfBlack campaign has no connection with Changing the complexion of consumers citing that “Black is not a colour but an attitude”.

As at the time of this report, we at FNN are still waiting on the Federal Government and PDP to claim this neo skin toning is in line and as a result of President Jonathan’s Transformation agenda.

About Post Author

Anthony-Claret Ifeanyi Onwutalobi

Anthony-Claret is a software Engineer, entrepreneur and the founder of Codewit INC. Mr. Claret publishes and manages the content on Codewit Word News website and associated websites. He's a writer, IT Expert, great administrator, technology enthusiast, social media lover and all around digital guy.
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Women demand equal right to die as prematurely as men

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Women have said that in the age of equality, they should be able to die as prematurely as any man.

Many have insisted that in the year 2015 it is disgraceful that men are allowed to die younger than women just because they are male.

Woman Sharon Jones told us “Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to die approximate 2.4 years earlier like a man, does it?”

“I should have to retire as late as a man, and die as early, it’s my right as a woman and an equal contributor to society.”

“I’m sick of men telling me that I have to ‘retire earlier than men’ or ‘live longer than men’ – it simply has to change.”

However some men were not happy at the suggestion.

Sexist Simon Williams told us, “This is women’s lib gone mad, they should just stick to keeping their pretty little heads alive for a couple of years longer than us men, and be done with it.”

“Dying early is a man’s job – it always has been, and it always will be.”

About Post Author

Anthony-Claret Ifeanyi Onwutalobi

Anthony-Claret is a software Engineer, entrepreneur and the founder of Codewit INC. Mr. Claret publishes and manages the content on Codewit Word News website and associated websites. He's a writer, IT Expert, great administrator, technology enthusiast, social media lover and all around digital guy.
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‘Empty chair’ declines leaders debate offer

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After party leaders said they would debate an ‘Empty Chair’ if David Cameron didn’t attend the leaders debates, the empty chair has confirmed that it will be too busy to take part.

“I’ve got better things to do”, said that chair in a statement.

“Whilst I understand that Nick Clegg, Ed Miliband and Nigel Farage have plenty of time on their hands, I am very busy supporting the hard-working bums of Britain.”

“The chair is frit”, said Nigel Farage, tellingly using a turn of phrase which has been archaic for decades.

“Frit, I say”, he continued, compounding his error.

Labour leader Ed Miliband attacked the chair for “not having a leg to stand on”, and then was rendered speechless and unhappy when a spokesman for the chair got a loud laugh by responding that it actually had four.

Of the three, LibDem leader Nick Clegg was the most stinging in his rebukes of the chair.

He said, “What the voters of Britain need to realise is that we don’t need the chair.”

“I have spent five years in government just standing around without a chair.”

“I haven’t needed a chair in all the years I’ve spent hanging around outside David Cameron’s office hoping for a quick chat about electoral reform, and we don’t need one now. So there.”

At time of writing the empty chair was reported to be propping a door open, which observers remarked made it more useful and a better candidate for Prime Minister than any of the other three challengers.

About Post Author

Anthony-Claret Ifeanyi Onwutalobi

Anthony-Claret is a software Engineer, entrepreneur and the founder of Codewit INC. Mr. Claret publishes and manages the content on Codewit Word News website and associated websites. He's a writer, IT Expert, great administrator, technology enthusiast, social media lover and all around digital guy.
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Andrew Mitchell MP submits mysterious £80k expenses claim for ‘admin’

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Ex-chief whip Andrew Mitchell has today submitted an expenses claim for £80,000 under the heading ‘constituency admin’.

The expenses claim, which included a hand-written receipt made out to ‘Andy’, was submitted this morning and has been pushed to the top of the processing pile after Mitchell insisted it was ‘really quite urgent’.

When questioned by the team processing MPs expenses, Mitchell said they were for “stuff around the constituency, you know, stationery, that sort of thing. Nothing major.”

Expenses processor Simon Williams told us, “It’s not unusual to see MPs submit hand-written receipts for large amounts that don’t make any sense, but we have to ask questions about this sort of thing now.”

“It’s not like the olden days when we’d blindly throw cash at them on a whim.”

“To be honest, just asking him about each of the line items got him a bit frustrated, at one stage he even said to me ‘look you bloody ple…asant individual, can’t you just pay it? I’ll take cash now if necessary’.”

“I wasn’t sure how he had managed to spend quite so much on admin and he told me ‘Look ple…nty of people submit amounts like this – if NASA can spend £100k on a screwdriver, then I can spend £80k on some headed letter paper with my name on it’.”

“Which is fair enough I suppose.”

“Yes, it will be in his bank account by Friday.”

About Post Author

Anthony-Claret Ifeanyi Onwutalobi

Anthony-Claret is a software Engineer, entrepreneur and the founder of Codewit INC. Mr. Claret publishes and manages the content on Codewit Word News website and associated websites. He's a writer, IT Expert, great administrator, technology enthusiast, social media lover and all around digital guy.
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Ofsted to put Hogwarts in ‘special measures’

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Following its latest inspection Ofsted has rated Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as ‘inadequate’.

Schools Inspector Diane James filed the damning report after visiting the UK’s only magic-based comprehensive.

“The school is chronically overcrowded.” said Mrs James, “Five hundred students will turn up for quidditch finals, although there is only dorm space for 280 students.”

“Where the rest sleep is a mystery. The fatality rate at Hogwarts is also extremely high, caused by psychotic teachers or the ferocious beasts that regularly rampage through the castle and grounds.”

“In 1997 the place was used as a fortress in a pitched battle, although that was just after Labour came to power so we don’t really care about that.”

“Lakes infested with dangerous creatures and moving staircases are also issues that rarely come up in most state schools.”
Hogwarts Ofsted assessment

Grades at the school are said to be well above average, although none of them are in National Curriculum subjects.

Core skills like maths and English as well as Sex Education are described by Mrs James as “Nonexistent. Like, literally.”

Outbreaks of head lice and impetigo have been a regular occurrence due mainly to the fact that only prefects have bathing facilities.

“Hogwarts have no record of ever taking a disabled student,” continued Mrs James “although their special needs programme is excellent.”

“Which they insist on referring to as ‘Hufflepuff’.”

About Post Author

Anthony-Claret Ifeanyi Onwutalobi

Anthony-Claret is a software Engineer, entrepreneur and the founder of Codewit INC. Mr. Claret publishes and manages the content on Codewit Word News website and associated websites. He's a writer, IT Expert, great administrator, technology enthusiast, social media lover and all around digital guy.
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No one is meant to be that colour, people with fake tan told

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People with fake tan have been told that human beings are definitely never supposed to be that colour.

“It’s profoundly unsettling for people,” said anthropologist Nick Rowe.

“We are attuned to seeing human beings’ skin within a certain colour spectrum, and wooden furniture in another completely different spectrum.”

“When you see someone who has changed their skin colour to that of a mahogany wardrobe, then most people are seized with a biological imperative to stack your socks, underwear and handkerchiefs in that other person.”

“Which can lead to considerable awkwardness for both parties.”
Fake tan

There is a great deal of debate amongst social scientists as to why anyone would deliberately change their skin colour to such a peculiar range of hues, with theories including chronic colour-blindness, camouflage, and a desperate shortage of mirrors.

“I suppose I didn’t really get a lot of affection from my parents,” said fake tan enthusiast Simon Williams.

“So, as a kid, I really mainly identified with a varnished pine chest of drawers in my bedroom, and so I suppose that’s why I want to be this colour.”

But there can also be dangers, and people with fake tan have been warned to be on their guard after a woman in Dunelm Mill was mistaken for a wooden statue and placed in a window display, before being rescued several hours later.

Rowe concluded, “I was brought up not to judge a person by the colour of their skin – and I know it’s wrong – but I can’t help thinking of these people as complete morons.”

About Post Author

Anthony-Claret Ifeanyi Onwutalobi

Anthony-Claret is a software Engineer, entrepreneur and the founder of Codewit INC. Mr. Claret publishes and manages the content on Codewit Word News website and associated websites. He's a writer, IT Expert, great administrator, technology enthusiast, social media lover and all around digital guy.
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“APC Sent Seyi Shay To Give Me An Erection” – President Goodluck Jonathan

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“If I was cheating on My wife, America will know.”

Following the outburst by his wife, First Lady Dame Patience after pictures surfaced online of singer Seyi Shay sitting half naked beside him during a recent event, President Jonathan has been on the defensive and in a press release today, he blamed the APC for his misfortunes.

About Post Author

Anthony-Claret Ifeanyi Onwutalobi

Anthony-Claret is a software Engineer, entrepreneur and the founder of Codewit INC. Mr. Claret publishes and manages the content on Codewit Word News website and associated websites. He's a writer, IT Expert, great administrator, technology enthusiast, social media lover and all around digital guy.
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“Elections To Be Postponed Again Due To Fuel Scarcity” – INEC Chairman, JEGA

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If news bits filtering onto our news desk is anything to go by, then the Forthcoming General Elections, which have already been postponed once, may be moved forward yet again as a result of fuel scarcity.

This was made known in a press release this morning by INEC Supremo, Alh. Attahiru Jega, who insisted that the current shortage of petroleum products would hamper workforce and logistics for the elections.

He said:
“Fellow Nigerians, I’m afraid the current shortage of petroleum products may force the hand of INEC to postpone elections yet again. We need fuel more than you do. If we can’t fuel our vehicles, we can’t move voting materials to different locations. If we can’t have voting materials on site, how do you vote? So please prepare for the worst”.
He also insisted that whatever little fuel is left in the country will only be sold to people with PVCs.

The APC and PDP are yet to comment.

About Post Author

Anthony-Claret Ifeanyi Onwutalobi

Anthony-Claret is a software Engineer, entrepreneur and the founder of Codewit INC. Mr. Claret publishes and manages the content on Codewit Word News website and associated websites. He's a writer, IT Expert, great administrator, technology enthusiast, social media lover and all around digital guy.
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Woman Masturbates During Deliverance Session..(See Photo)

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A woman was caught masturbating during the general deliverance session at a church at Obalende area of Lagos State. The pastor was conducting a general deliverance session where he was casting out familiar and unfamiliar spirits from the members of the congregation, who began to drop one by one under the anointing.

The woman who was amongst those who fell under the superior sledgehammer of the Holy Ghost was carried to the front where the pastor laid hands on her alongside others. Lo and behold, the woman started manifesting when she began to touch herself in her private areas. The ushers who thought she was responding to the power of the anointing tried to keep her hands away from her breasts, but this proved fultile as it seemed to interfere with the deliverance. She was then left on her own, when she began to touch her vaginal region while moaning in ecstasy.

However, the pastor and ushers who were currently paying attention to another person who was being delivered had temporarily forgotten about her, until her loud moans began to distract the pastor. Pastor who turned round in shock to notice the lady enjoying herself on the sacred altar was appalled and began to administer slaps on the lady, which roused her from her sexual reverie.

About Post Author

Anthony-Claret Ifeanyi Onwutalobi

Anthony-Claret is a software Engineer, entrepreneur and the founder of Codewit INC. Mr. Claret publishes and manages the content on Codewit Word News website and associated websites. He's a writer, IT Expert, great administrator, technology enthusiast, social media lover and all around digital guy.
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BREAKING: Osinbajo Agreed To Step Down For Tinubu ..See Leaked Messages

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After Femi Fani Kayode’s utterances during the past week about an alleged agreement between Prof. Yemi Osinbajo and Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu, where, in the event of an APC victory at the polls, the VP candidate would have to step down for Asiwaju after 6 months, Social and Print Media have been aflame with accusations and counter accusations.

However, FNN has gotten hold of exclusive screen shots, sent from anonymous number, of mesages exchanged between Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu and Prof. Osinbajo, purpotedly the ‘Genesis’ of the ‘agreement’.

It is, to say the least, Shocking

About Post Author

Anthony-Claret Ifeanyi Onwutalobi

Anthony-Claret is a software Engineer, entrepreneur and the founder of Codewit INC. Mr. Claret publishes and manages the content on Codewit Word News website and associated websites. He's a writer, IT Expert, great administrator, technology enthusiast, social media lover and all around digital guy.
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