Humour

No one is meant to be that colour, people with fake tan told

People with fake tan have been told that human beings are definitely never supposed to be that colour.

“It’s profoundly unsettling for people,” said anthropologist Nick Rowe.

“We are attuned to seeing human beings’ skin within a certain colour spectrum, and wooden furniture in another completely different spectrum.”

“When you see someone who has changed their skin colour to that of a mahogany wardrobe, then most people are seized with a biological imperative to stack your socks, underwear and handkerchiefs in that other person.”

“Which can lead to considerable awkwardness for both parties.”
Fake tan

There is a great deal of debate amongst social scientists as to why anyone would deliberately change their skin colour to such a peculiar range of hues, with theories including chronic colour-blindness, camouflage, and a desperate shortage of mirrors.

“I suppose I didn’t really get a lot of affection from my parents,” said fake tan enthusiast Simon Williams.

“So, as a kid, I really mainly identified with a varnished pine chest of drawers in my bedroom, and so I suppose that’s why I want to be this colour.”

But there can also be dangers, and people with fake tan have been warned to be on their guard after a woman in Dunelm Mill was mistaken for a wooden statue and placed in a window display, before being rescued several hours later.

Rowe concluded, “I was brought up not to judge a person by the colour of their skin – and I know it’s wrong – but I can’t help thinking of these people as complete morons.”

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