Daily Archives: September 1, 2013
Naval Academy sex assault case continues
David Frost, veteran British broadcaster, dies at 74
Researchers hope to identify student remains at reform school site
NYC Electric Zoo festival cancelled after two attendees die
Re: DLR- Rejoiner sent to Sahara Reporter: Governor Uduaghan Accused Of Using Multi-Billion Naira Oleri Leisure Park
SarnerPFM Resorts Limited Rejoinder to the Publication of Governor Uduaghan Accused Of Using Multi-Billion Naira Oleri Leisure Park As Conduit Pipe, Awards Contract To Daughter- Setting The Record Straight
Introduction:
The attention of Management of SarnerPFM Resorts Limited in Delta State of Nigeria has been drawn to a publication by Sahara Reporters of Thursday August 29, 2013 as regards the Delta Leisure Resorts. The misguided, mischievous reporter claimed to have gathered his baseless and unsubstantiated allegations from sources, among them an unidentified self proclaimed former commissioner in the current Governor of Delta State cabinet. We wish to state in clear terms that the said publication be disregarded in its entirety as the information contained therein is not only false, misleading but lacking in merit.
Having observed with keen interest the completely self serving spirited attempts to comprehensively misrepresent the true situation with respect to the project, it has become imperative and timely that the unsuspecting public be informed of the true situation of the park, hence this rejoinder.
Regarding the allegation that the sitting governor of Delta State, Dr. Emmanuel Uduaghan has sunk several billion naira on the Project as a conduit for looting state funds.
The allegation that the sitting governor of Delta State, Dr. Emmanuel Uduaghan has sunk several billion nairas on the Project as a conduit for looting state funds is totally false, baseless, malicious and libelous to the person of the Governor, the project and stake holders to project. The Delta Leisure Resorts is a Public Private Partnership Project. The sitting Governor of Delta State has not release any kobo to the project apart from providing infrastructure facilities such as a bridge which not only provide access to the park, but access for 3 villages which has been cut off for years, beautification of main roads in the cities to prevent it from looking like a slump where people are currently causing environment hazards by dumping their rubbish on the middle of the road and cars driving through the road median knocking down pedestrian.
These support Projects are not carried out by SarnerPFM Resorts Limited but duly appointed and reputable contractors, such as FAK Construction company and Dismpro for Oleri Bridge, FAK for beautification and Nigeria Westminster Dredging and Marine for reclamation. All these projects are funded directly by SarnerPFM with government subsequently refund upon issuance of certificates duly signed by all stake holders. The contractors are paid directly by the bank and the accounts are available for all to verify.
Delta State government does not mobilize or award any contract directly to SarnerPFM Resorts Limited outside the signed MOU with the government. SarnerPFM Resorts Limited does not take or received any funds from contractors for project awarded.
Regarding the state of construction on the project
There are works currently on-going on the park itself. The staff-quarters are near 60% completion, the directors’ quarters are 30% completion, the staff quarters in Asaba 95% completion. Intensive construction work is about to commence on the self catering villas, hotels, sport village infrastructure, retail villa, earth work at both sites from September 2013. Over 70% of the specialist work on the theme park are being done overseas and have been procured. 95% of top name operating brands for the park have been signed and contracted with license fees paid.
The Supporting Infrastructure Projects has a lot to show for money that has been expended on it as several construction works has reached their final stage of completion. The Oleri-Aladja Bridge connecting over three communities as well as providing access road to the park has reached 70% completion, the beautification and casting of the road median is well advancing, the insti casting is 90% completion and electrification 90% completed. Reclamation Project is 70% completion. These on-going projects are not only visible to the blind but audible to the deaf. The design stage of the parks which is the most difficult stage in the development of a resort of this magnitude has reached completion. Only mischief makers and people bereaved of basic knowledge of resorts development will deny this fact. To keep pace with the state of development in the park, kindly visit: http://www.deltaleisurepark.com/.
Nation’s Single Men Announce Plan To Change Bedsheets By 2019
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that their bedsheets have no major stains and look completely fine except for a “couple flakes of skin here and there,” the nation’s single men announced Tuesday that their goal is to change their bedding by 2019.
The country’s bachelors, who last changed their sheets in November of 2003, told reporters that though their linens are faded and slightly itchy at times, they are completely fine for sleeping in, and at this point barely even smell.
“As of now, our plan is to strip the bed of its sheets and wash them by either June or December of 2019,” said unmarried Atlanta man James Bolter, who reportedly sighed and said he guesses that means pillowcases, too. “The hottest part of this summer is nearly over so we’re not going to be sweating as much at night, which means we just don’t see any immediate need to change and wash our sheets.”
“Washing our comforters—be it the sheets that cover them or the comforters themselves—is not part of our 2019 timeline, and I believe it will stay that way,” the bachelor added. “The earliest we would even consider washing our comforters would be 2035, if ever.”
According to the nation’s single men, many of whom have resorted to spraying a light layer of Febreze over their beds once a week for the last decade, their sheets haven’t gotten nearly “fuzzy” or “wrinkly” enough to be changed. Moreover, within the last 10 years, the bachelors have made certain to alternate the side of the bed on which they sleep so that one section doesn’t get more soiled with dead skin than the other.
In addition to sleeping on different sides of their pillows, the bachelors have also made sure to “flip over” the mattresses’ fitted sheets and top sheets once a year to “keep things fresh.”
“We believe that as long as you change your sheets once or twice a decade you’ll be fine,” said 27-year-old Delaware man Jeff Kugler, who doesn’t have a girlfriend, and later added that he’s heard of how dust mites, mite excrement, and bacteria can build up if sheets aren’t laundered but said all of that is “bullshit.” “My sheets have a few stains on them, but they’re all dried now. You can’t see them unless you are really looking for them. The outlines of the stains are there, but that’s it. So everything will be okay for the next six years or so.”
Saying that crumbs and hair have become so embedded in the sheets that you can’t even tell they’re there, the unattached men listed several other factors as to why they’ve avoided changing their sheets. First, they told reporters, their sheets are navy blue so it’s “not like they look dirty.” Second, changing them “will be really fucking annoying” and “take up a long fucking time.” And third, the bachelors said, they are “just too busy with other stuff.”
Perhaps most important, the single men noted, is the fact that they only have one pair of sheets, meaning that any linen change would necessitate sleeping on their mattress pads for up to six months while they put off removing their bedding from the laundry.
“The next laundry day is in 2019, so that’s when I’ll do my next load of sheets,” said 34-year-old Martin Rhodes while removing magazines, Kleenexes, and plates from his bed. “But it just depends on what things are like then. Maybe it won’t be necessary. I haven’t really had to wash these sheets since college and they’re fine.
Word Search On Box Of Frosted Mini-Wheats Fucking Impossible
TROY, NY—A word search puzzle featured on the back of a Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats box is just about fucking impossible, local man Glenn McCurdy confirmed Thursday. “Jesus Christ, why can’t I fucking do this?” said McCurdy, 34, referring to the impenetrable 10-letter by 10-letter grid, which reportedly includes such words as “breakfast,” “milk,” and “fun.” “I’ve been at it for almost an hour, and even the ones I got were some kind of fucking miracles. I mean, it looks like some of these words are in there backwards. Who the hell do they think I am? Bill fucking Gates?” At press time, a frustrated McCurdy had torn apart the cereal box to access the answers printed on the inside
Syria Conflict Intensifies As Bears Enter War
DAMASCUS—Syria’s ongoing civil war entered a new and dangerous phase today as tens of thousands of bloodthirsty bears reportedly descended on the strife-torn country, charging from city to city on a murderous rampage.
Terrified witnesses confirmed that scores of semi-conscious residents have been dragged from their homes by their necks, torn limb from limb, and had their innards feasted upon by hordes of vicious bears, which appeared to target individuals regardless of whether they supported President Bashar al-Assad or the insurgent opposition.
“We thought the violence couldn’t possibly get any worse, and then all of a sudden the streets were crawling with ferocious, roaring bears, indiscriminately thrashing everything in sight,” said Syrian rebel commander Salim Idris, wearing an eyepatch from a fresh claw wound he sustained earlier in the day. “I directed my fighters to shoot them on sight, but each bear takes so many bullets to subdue, and when one finally goes down three more fill in to take its place.”
“I don’t know what side the bears are on, but at this point it might not even matter,” he continued. “They’re everywhere and they’re extremely angry.”
Reports indicate that numerous species of bears have taken up positions in Syria’s shelled-out towns and cities, with residents confirming sightings of brown bears, spectacled bears, Asian sun bears, panda bears, and polar bears, many of which are said to appear bright red as their coats have been stained with human blood and viscera. Sources also reported witnessing scores of wild-eyed black bears scrambling up fire escapes and telephone poles to claw their way into upper floors of buildings, as well as ferocious Kodiak bears burrowing into underground shelters where many of the nation’s fearful citizens have taken refuge from the constant fighting and threat of chemical weapons attacks.
Syria’s hospitals, already overwhelmed with casualties from the near-daily sniper and mortar fire, have reportedly found themselves struggling to keep up with a sudden influx of severe bear maulings, bear tramplings, and innumerable bear bites.
Humanitarian agencies have also been rushing to replenish the country’s supplies of emergency food rations, which are said to have been scavenged to the point of exhaustion by the legions of burly ursine foragers who can consume over a hundred pounds of food or flesh per day.
“Before, all we had to worry about were gunfights and bombings, but now it’s gunfights, bombings, and bears,” said Raqqah resident Mustafa al-Khatib, who, like most Syrians, said he avoids venturing out onto streets strewn with rubble, body parts, and bear droppings. “Waiting in line each morning for our bread was already practically a suicide mission with all of Assad’s airstrikes, but now we have to watch out for bears who are just there for the bread. Things were better when it was just a ruthless government onslaught.”
According to local sources, at least 5,000 Syrian men, women, and children have been confirmed killed by bears in recent days, though the number is widely considered an underestimate as many bodies are believed to have been entirely consumed by the hungry omnivores.
“My son was eaten by a bear, my brother was shot by rebels and then eaten by a bear—this is the reality we have to live with every day,” said 32-year-old Amira Najjar, who noted that her entire refugee camp was recently torn to shreds by a family of Alaskan grizzlies. “And they can’t be reasoned with. They have no allegiance to any side. If Bashar al-Assad walked into the street right now he would absolutely be killed and eaten by bears.”
“I honestly don’t even know what’s going on here anymore,” added Najjar, dazedly shaking her head.
According to Syrians on both sides of the conflict, entire swaths of the country are now off-limits for fear that bombed-out buildings and blast craters could be harboring bands of angry scorpions, komodo dragons, mace-wielding cavaliers in full chain mail, or, as children recently swimming off the country’s coast discovered, giant piranhas.
“We’ve tried laying traps, blanketing the streets with land mines—we’ve even imported several dozen cargo planes full of Africanized bees to combat the bears, but the bees just ended up attacking us, too. Nothing has worked and we’re running out of options,” said Ahmed Rahmoud, a spokesman for the embattled regime. “While President Assad is, at present, willing to sit down and negotiate, these creatures are not only leaderless, they seem completely unwilling to compromise.”
At press time, thousands of lions, hawks, anacondas, fire ants, flesh-eating bacteria, shrieking black-caped horsemen, and leather-clad motorcycle gangs were seen amassing just a few miles away from the Syrian border
Completely Unnatural Mixed-Race Couple Actually Kind Of Beautiful In A Way
LAFAYETTE, IN—While describing the couple’s relationship as nothing short of perverse, sickening, and totally unnatural, reports confirmed Thursday that Daniel Bowman, a 25-year-old black man, and Jennifer Pines, a 24-year-old white woman, are in a way actually sort of beautiful together.
Recently spotted holding hands—and in public, for Christ’s sake—the unwholesome, sinful union of two incompatible races made for a sight that was reportedly repulsive and yet, at the same time, oddly endearing.
“They seem so happy together,” said 31-year-old onlooker Christina Berg, who apparently doesn’t grasp the basic and undeniable truth that whites are supposed to be with whites, blacks with blacks, Asians with Asians, Mexicans with Mexicans, and so forth. “Just look at the way they’re smiling at each other and nuzzling while they walk. That’s really sweet.”
“Aw!” Berg added as the total abomination of nature shared a quick kiss, which sources had to admit was actually kind of cute.
By conducting their completely inappropriate relationship in the open, Bowman and Pines have reportedly shamed both themselves and their families for five straight years, though sources noted it is rather nice to see a young couple stay committed to each other for such a long time.
Reports confirmed that Pines, who is said to be at risk of muddying the pure white bloodline she ought to be proud of, first met Bowman when the two played on opposing teams during a co-ed softball game, a story that, if you think about it, is awfully charming. And while witnesses acknowledged the two truly seem to be in love—which is rare, and, admittedly, a thing to be cherished—God forbid they ever have a child together, because that would simply be appalling, even though the couple would likely make good, loving parents.
“There’s a pair of lovebirds if I’ve ever seen one,” Jeffrey Kopec, 43, said of the man and woman who appear to be a perfect match despite belonging to racial groups that were never meant to inhabit the same continent, let alone develop romantic ties. “They’ve just been talking and laughing nonstop. Reminds me of my wife and I when we were younger.”
As lovely and heartwarming as it is to see the couple walking arm in arm on the sidewalk, sources asked whether things wouldn’t be much simpler if Bowman and Pines could both just stick to dating their own kind. After all, if human beings of different races weren’t meant to procreate—and that’s reportedly right there in the Bible, by the way—isn’t mixing with people of other races an evil, despicable act that flies in the face of God Himself?
And yet, sources added, when you look at those two, it somehow just feels right.
“You can tell they’re totally head over heels for each other,” said 24-year-old Allison DeLuca, who, like a normal and responsible white woman, is dating a white man, though if she were to date someone of another race sources speculated that maybe it wouldn’t really be the end of the world. “I hope I find that someday.”
Sources went on to state that while Bowman and Pines’ relationship goes against absolutely everything that is good and proper, and is still a crime against nature, maybe at the end of the day it’s up to them to decide whom they share their love with. Maybe.
According to reports, at least they’re not a gay couple.