Celebrity

Things We Learn from Nollywood

Opening my email I saw this forwarded mail titled “Why I hate home videos” and I was immediately drawn to it. After reading the mail I decided to lend my voice to what the writer has observed. For each point raised I have made my response in blue colour.

Please read and make your own comments. It is my intention that our movie producers would stumble across this and take our observations seriously. I think it is high time we won an award.

THINGS WE’VE LEARNT FROM NOLLYWOOD

1. Every problem you have is spiritual.

Somebody is always attacking someone for no obvious reason. Initially the attacked person seems not to find a way out but afterwards he finds rescue in God. The attacked is caught and confesses before he dies. He must die in Nollywood – no second chance. Nollywood gives instant judgement. No evil goes scot-free in Nollywood; you must be punished by the script writer.

2. In every romance movie, someone must die.
Recently this has changed but rather every romance movie has problems that break the over glorified romance of the people involved. And finally they end up together.

3. It is possible to hit a person without actually touching them!
That is always true and even kids notice how fake the acts are. If we must act the hitting part, let us do it well

4. Anyone who gets hit by a car dies immediately.
Or looses his memory which will require another hitting to regain the lost memory

5. Poisoned food always tastes better.
Followed by bad sound that even tells the actor it is time he begins foaming in the mouth or quaking and holding his stomach, then falls to the ground.

6. The best way to make money is by visiting a ‘Babalawo’, joining a cult, sleeping with rich men.
This paints what Nigeria represents in a negative way as many people who are rich got their wealth by hard work. In this light I suggest Nollywood and its script writer and editor get real and stop painting us black.

7. One of a pair of twins (identical or not) is born evil.
But that is not true in our country because we have many wonderful set of twins. Incidentally I am yet to see twins of which one pair is evil. Please Nollywood tell your audience something real.

8. There is never an end to your suffering, except death!
Especially if you had done something evil in the beginning of the movie. You only have to confess lying down on the ground or critically ill in a hospital bed or the church while everybody watches you confess and then die. Your confession is followed by the same reaction and show of surprise in every movie.

9. With a pastor … all things are possible.
He seems spiritually and prays one out of his problem. And why not?

10. A movie can be titled anything… such as:
The boy is mine, Face me, I face you, Two rats, Spanner, Calculator, Igala, Ijele, Igodo, Igudu, Shigidi

Have you also noticed that a word in one movie continues to reoccur in several other movies until such word practically begs to be left alone. Examples abound below –

Abuja top ladies, Abuja connection,

A time to love, A touch of love

African queen, African soldier

After my heart, After the vow

Battle for battle, Battle of indemnity, Battle of liberation, Battle kingdom

Before my eye, Before ordination, Before the rain

Blood for blood, Blood fight, Blood sister, Blood game

Love game, Love across the border, Love after love, Love and pain, Love and likeness, Love and cash etc.

11. A movie has not been made if at least one actor/actress has not-‘shelled’, twisted his/her lips to speak wrong phonetics’.

Perfectly correct and they always comeback from overseas with this funny accent. Must we copy them just to show we are janded? We can jand without adopting this twisted and wrong phonetics, lol

12. You are in love… you want to take your girl out, the best place you take her to is…

*Mr. Biggs/Tantalizers: where you’ll most probably see an ex while feeding each other.

Then the ex would make a scene and the babe/guy in question would ask who is she/he? Then storms out of the place, lol
 
*The beach: where it is imperative that you ride a donkey and carry her playfully.

Makes me laugh and wonder if there is any difference in the way one feels when he/she is not in love but goes to the beach and rides a donkey. Or do you only ride donkey when you are in love? Or does love drive people to donkey riding? I need answers pleaseeeeeeeeeeee

*Or the best: take her to buy some new ugly clothes.

Which she will not even wear as far as the movie is concerned.

 

13. An Igbo movie has been made if:

* You visit a Dibia (Babalawo)

We are showing our culture, abii?

 

* A fleet of cars is shown off at regular intervals for a total of half of the movie time.

That is called marketing of product

 

* Kanayo ‘O’ Kanayo is in the movie. Pete Edochie is there too!

Definitely focus would be on Kanayo and Pete who are most likely to be at logger heads with each other or are in the same cult.

* To get rich it is mandatory you join a cult

We do not have middle class in our movies either you are extravagantly rich or wretchedly poor.

14. Gun shots and knock-outs sound the same!
Egbe oka

15. Sometimes the title has absolutely nothing to do with the movie and other times, once you read the title and see the poster you know it all!!! (Also the soundtrack gives you a headache because it just narrates the whole story repeatedly – so much for suspense and intrigue!)
The worst is that the background music is always very loud even when people are talking that you practically need to strain your ears to her the conversation. You also know a good movie you may want to watch from the poster.

16. A love story has not been produced if it does not have one or two of the following actresses-
* Stella Damascus

* Stephanie Okereke

* Genevieve Nnaji

* Omotola Jalade

* Rita Dominic

More has now been added like Tonto Dikeh, Mercy Johnson. For the guys the likes of Nonso Diobu, Mike Ezuruonye, Michael Okon, Van Vicker, Desmond Elliot, even Kenneth Okonkwo act love movies (lol – naa whaaa). Please what has become of good old actors like Liz Benson etc? Have they retired or too old to act?

17. The police are extremely ‘efficient’ unlike their counterparts in real life.
Should we now substitute the extremely efficient movie police for their counterpart in real life? Or should the real life police be tutored to start acting movies as part of their role in real life so they would think its all movie acting and hence be efficient? Think about this ooo.

18. An actress can wear the same hairdo for more than a year and even in longer flashbacks.
Let’s say it is coincidence.

19. It is permissible to wear very dark shades at night!
As long as you see where you are going.

20. When you are shot in the chest, it really doesn’t matter; your head will be bandaged! Same for your legs!
That is because when you are shot anywhere you must fall on the ground and must hit your head. Because of the importance of the head as part of the human body, it is understandable why it needs serious attention by way of bandaging.

21. When advertising a movie, you really should shout because… people are deaf?
That is marketing strategy. Shouting makes people curious and would want to know why you have to shout as if they are deaf, so they go and buy or watch the movie. If the advert is made using normal voice control, what difference does it make with local news which is eventually translated to various dialects in one state. Who likes to listen to those local news, I certainly don’t like it.

22. When you are extremely poor, you will still be able to afford-a beautiful house, very good furniture, T.V., nice clothes, but you won’t be able to send your kids to school.
No, we have changed this part a bit. Now when you are extremely poor you must be in the village, live in a dilapidated house, tie wrappers that are in contrast with what you wear and your children will drop out of school. If at all you have a business, it should be selling bread or akara, else you are bound be a farmer or wine tapper.

23. Most especially in Yoruba movies, your gateman must be inefficient and comical. He MUST dress like a freak, be rude to all your visitors and never mind his business.
He is most likely to have soft spot for the female house help who would initially dislike him but will late be cool with him. Then both of them would most likely say or do something very stupid (pretending to be funny) making the viewer sigh at their stupid joke. I think the movie editor should scrap that part so viewers don’t get annoyed.

24. The bad guy always dies or gets caught by none other than the police- LOL!!!!
SWAT in deed. How many bad guys have our real life police ever caught? They see bad guys coming from the right direction, the police take off through the left direction – NAIJA POLICE.

25. At the end of a three hour movie you’ll be reminded that THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING…WATCH OUT FOR PART 2!
Incidentally it has become a criminal offence as far as Nollywood is concerned to produce a movie that has no part 2. Even very stupid comedies have part 2.

26. An actor must also sweat profusely when crying.
Crying is not an easy job, you need energy to when you absolutely have no reason to cry, especially when it is demanded of you while acting movies. In other to achiever this crying scene, energy is exerted which causes the individual to sweat; that is in order.

27. An actor announces his death as he slowly dies- “You killed me”, “I’m dying”, “I’m dead”
It is quite understandable – you have different kinds of viewers with various abilities, some are able to see what is happening while others are only able to hear. So while those that can see that somebody is dying, it becomes imperative you also tell those who can hear that what is happening.

28. In a case where a person is on his death bed, he/she must cough till they die.
Because it is movie nobody wants to die in real life, so they need to cough out the death in movie alone.

29. Every ghost must wear a white cloth and have powder unevenly distributed on their face.
That is so for the ghosts that were unduly killed and they may have gone to heaven. Since they are no more humans, they need to be a bit wacky for easy differnciation. But for evil and wicked ghosts who are interested in ruining people for no just cause, they wear black with powder unevenly distributed on their face and afro wig. That is supposed to scare you to the extent you do wacky things.

30. No matter the type of movie…TO GOD BE THE GLORY…

No matter they type of movie, God gives them the strength and inspiration to write good and bad scripts, and act good and bad movies.

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