From Humblebee to Cuckoo Fumble-bee – the metamorphosis of Goodluck Jonathan

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This is a hilarious moment for Nigeria. Of course, I am not mad. I am only reflecting on the period in time and circumstances we have found ourselves as a people. Not too long ago, Shagari was indecisive, Buhari/Idiagbon too serious and impenetrable, Obasanjo was too amorous and unforgivable. Now we have it. A serious comedian as president. Jonathan no go kill man for this obodo Nigeria! Mba.
I just dey play with my tumbra of gin tonic. The weather cold pass wetin son of man fit just manage with ordinary heater. My Igala friend suddenly informed us of the ongoing demonstrations by students of the University of Lagos. Oh, sorry! Moshood Abiola University in good old Lagos. My broda, I no fit laugh. I just tire for dis country o jare!!
Reports say the students no want de brand new name bestowed upon dem by His Majesty, Emperor Goodluck Ebele Jonathan. Jonathan has only exercised his right as conferred on him by the uncharted constitution of the empire called Nigeria. Me no even no why these students dey protest instead of celebrating their new baptismal name. Instead of allowing akpteshi and burukutu to flow, dem dey hala. Dis one no clear me, I beg.
Other reports indicate that students of nearby Lagos State University dey celebrate. Dem celebration no get anything to do with the fact of the re-christening of Unilag but for the equality inherent in such a merciful act by the new maximum ruler of the land. For too long, Unilag students dey hala and shakara those of poor Lasu. Now equation don dey equal. No more bush meats, no more Unilag swagger, no more pepperless. Gbogbo awon guys na de same now, se you know?
While my sympathy is naturally with the unfortunate students of Unilag, who after 50 years, have suddenly being dashed a new father, may I be allowed for once to ponder on the manner of the leader at the helm of affairs in our dear country. Jonathan’s metamorphosis has been unique. From a spineless Vice President to a lacklustre Acting President and then a “shoeless” presidential candidate and now an imperious President who makes decisions with scant respect for the feelings of fellow citizens and without due consideration for established laws. With his amicably deceptive mien, Jonathan has treaded where even military rulers have dreaded to walk. Examples abound, my dear friend. Let us consider those of recent memory. Pump price of fuel was hiked in the manner in which Unilag was re-christened. By military fiat (sorry, civilian fiat!). Soldiers were deployed to the streets of Lagos, were they not? Someone just reminded me that this is supposed to be a civilian dispensation!
The story of Goodluck Ebere Jonathan is akin to the strategic transformation of the Bumblebee. It is the story of how power intoxicates. May Shakespeare rests well in his eternal sleep. Goodluck was the Humblebee with the scary coat seeking pollens here and there as both the Governor of Bayelsa state and lame duck Vice President under the tragic Servant Leader. The Humblebee repudiated the humility of Servant Leadership. He became opportunistically fascinated with political power at the demise of the Master Servant. His transformation started and the Bumblebee was born. Political lobbying and jockeying, including manipulations and subterfuge created the less than desirable Bumblebee. This was a hairy creature whose underbelly was still ugly but appearance rather deceptive. He became the Acting President. In furtherance of his unhidden political opportunism, Jonathan went to Nigerians with a cock and bull story of a shoeless boy from the Niger Delta. Foolishness took over the land; the Bumblebee can be a dangerous animal. Votes were massively rigged. He was even assisted in this process by the political power house in Western Nigeria. Never mind that they would be one of those to later criticize him.
The Bumblebee got to power. His initial act was to surround himself with his syncophants, including his brethren from the Niger Delta. Uncle Reuben was even included in the despicable package. His acts became untidy and uncoordinated. Bombs exploded on Independence Day in Abuja and the Bumblebee went on air without even waiting for security reports. He needed to defend his brethren who just came out of the creeks. The Bumblebee got so immersed in the juices of power, those juices are sweeter than his accustomed honey drink. He reeled from one controversy to another, from indecision to indecision. Mrs Bumblebee also provided adequate support as she used her “umblellah” to swagger from one territory to another. The Fumblebee was surreptitiously borne, alas!
Mr Fumblebee became emboldened. He dabbled into insane territory and took psychotic decisions, all in the “interest of Nigerians”. Pump prices of fuel were hiked even though later investigations showed monumental fraud. Soldiers were abused by being drafted to quench civilian uprising. Mr Fumblebee went on air, threatening to eradicate the dreaded Boko Haram sect in 3 months. This was after he had numerously consoled Nigerians on the terrifying deaths induced by same organization. Mr Fumblebee, in characteristic manner, even asked Nigerians to learn to live with the Boko Haram induced deaths at one stage! Now, this latest joker on a supposedly Democracy Day celebration!!
Back to my bottle of Gin plus tonic. Me, I know for de students wey dey protest. Why den dey hala no dey clear to me. Wetin, Mr Fumblebee do wey dey cause commotion? For practicing his belief in the concept of One Nigeria? De way things dey go for obodo Nigeria, Jonathan go kuku name de university wey dey for im papa backyard after Nnamdi Azikiwe or Shehu Aliyu Shagari. Afterall, no be One Nigeria we call am? Me, I go just siddon jeje. I no partake for dis roforofo of a protest. Even as Jonathan and pidipin (PDP) dey make terrible efforts to sectionalize the evergreen legacy of MKO. Na God dey punish Nigeria with shoeless mumu presido. Comot for me, o jare!
De man no dey tire. He just dey jump from one controversy to another. Even Baba Suwe no fit make person laugh pass Bro Jona. Na Unilag today, God knows wetin he go be tomorrow. Abeg, make I watch my mouth as very soon Brother Reuben go remind us of the corporate social responsibility of Mr Fumblebee. Jonathan don Cuckoo no be small. Uncle Reuben take follow am. As Bro Jona dey cry take style collect bribe, na same style im dey take dey punish Nigerians for dem stupid error in allowing the travesty of his selection to stay. Confusion dey reign supreme for de land and Boko Haram dey enjoy killing on an unrestricted basis. Dis country tire me no be small. Dis one pass bad luck. Na wetin we wan call MAU (Moshood Abiola University) students? Moshoodites or Abiolarites? Someone suggested Maulag – an era of Mau Mau in Nigeria? Na den go choose, no be my concern. All I know be say, dis latest joke from Bro Jona na one kind peculiar mess. Penkelemesi indeed!
I beg pass me another tumbra!!

Warning:  Article is admixed with Nigeria’s pidgin English. Apologies to readers that may feel offended as this is probably the language the Emperor and his darling wife may best understand.

Olusegun Fakoya

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